just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Randomize
