i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Randomize
