i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Randomize
