I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
It was like giving head to a cactus.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
My butt remains clenched, sir.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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