I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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