So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
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