I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
