I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
