I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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