i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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