Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
