I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
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