i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Randomize
