I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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