eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Randomize
