just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I need a burrito and a hug.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Randomize
