can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
