for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
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