i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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