amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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