If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
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