DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
