wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
