i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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