Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Randomize
