So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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