He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
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