OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
