just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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