I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
