If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
