I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
