I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
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