i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Randomize
