I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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