she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
