I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
