New low: just hacked my moms facebook
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Randomize
