thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
