When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Randomize
