i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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