Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
