if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
