Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
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