i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
