If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize
