the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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