we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Randomize
