i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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