so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
He told me they were just razor bumps!
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
