at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Randomize
