allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
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