you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
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