Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
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I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
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The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
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