a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
25 Children of Helicopter Parents Admit The Most Horrible Thing They Were Put Through
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Proof That Kendall Jenner Is The Queen of Cannes
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?