Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
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Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
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Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.