i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?